Don't Date your Ex's Sister

I hate blind dates. I hate them to such extent that I now have to be tricked into going on them. And trick me into going on a blind date is exactly what Ken did yesterday!

Blind dates just never go well for me. Either my friends (and sometimes family) are poor judges of character or they put too much trust in taking their friends word on how "cool" this forth party is.

All fault aside, last night’s adventure into a dark jazz club in downtown Dallas turned out to be worth commenting on.

Ken and I arrive, order a drink and bit of food and get to talking about the days events and meetings when Alicia arrives. She introduces herself and asks to take a seat which would lead one to believe she is a stranger. But her eye contact with Ken is that of two familiar people. Smelling a rat I decide to force them to act this out to the bitter end and draw completely quiet. You see, two people who know each other have a very hard time acting like they do not; especially if they are (shall we say) intimately familiar. Deciding to accelerate things I offer to buy a round of drinks and ask Ken directly what Alicia would like; the dumbass almost answered! LOL! I hold my chuckle and she orders something he is obviously not accustomed to her ordering judging his reaction and we drink as I continue to let them talk about the weather, work and the stupid, shallow things people talk about when there is something they are avoiding.

Then the door opens and I immediately know it is my blindy, soon to be horror story of a date. Problem was she appeared to be everything I would date from a visual perspective. I could see the conversation taking place between Ken and Alicia. "She’s this and that and she’s single." "Really? She will be perfect for Terry! Bring her out on Wed."

Good times and noodle salad alright! As she approached she looked startlingly familiar. So familiar I was thrown off of the game I was playing with Ken and stood to meet her before she even hit the table. My actions in turn threw Ken’s "friend" off because she was supposed to act as if it was a happen chance meeting. The second and a half of confusion would have been funny if I were not trying so hard to place her.

Alicia finally goes to make introductions but I am already at work offering a hand and a skeptical stare. "I know you. Where do I know you from?" is out of my mouth before I can be courteous enough to allow the mutual friend to do her job.

We all sit and talk and drink. This one is nice though, she looked like some one I would have dated in the past but did not act like some one I would have dated and I found myself taking a very unnatural liking to her. Very smart and very laid back. You could see that she was self assured, self confident and had a great deal of focus. Still trying to figure out who she is I drop demographic questions trying to narrow it down when I find out she is a lawyer.

I love lawyers, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Their sole purpose in life is manipulation and it is a choice meeting place for logic against logic, protagonist, antagonist discussion (and of course I am out the starting blocks like Usain Bolt baiting her straight in).
She’s a lawyer, all lawyers have to argue; it’s what they do. It’s in their blood. Their competitive nature is matched by their wit, intelligence and innate desire to win. She was no different and she opened up on the spot. Some how we get to talking about global warming when she stops cold in mid sentence, leans back and gives me a hard stare. (SEE! I TOLD YOU I KNEW HER)! I give her my little smile of validation because I could see she was now actively trying to place me - but couldn’t. (DAMN)!

"What were you just thinking?" At this point I am solely committed to identifying her. "You sound like some one I have read that’s all. Some one I read and actually agree with even though he pisses me off." (Rut rho Shaggy). This is not what I expected and was actually hoping her next words would not be an inquiry to my last name when; "What’s your last name?"

(Shit, shit, shit)! "I think you know my last name, it’s Mykes. Sounds to me that I am the guy you love to hate." Problem was, she knew me but I am the one that is supposed to know her when her cell phone rings.

"Hey Ni Ni (pronounced knee knee)!" I heard not a word after that. I am out for drinks on a blind date with my ex’s half sister!!! She was finishing law school when Nicole and I broke up. I had never met her but she and Nicole are very close and she was the only one Nicole would allow to call her Ni Ni. The familiar look, the accent, the attitude - it all made sense now.

When she got off the phone I started spitting out her school dates, her struggles in school her, her accolades from school, where she was from, where she went for spring break; everything I could think of. She was in shock and then inquisitively lowered her brow asking "how?" In return I raise my brow saying "how do you think?" Intense bewilderment followed by HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! "You are Ter?!?! Nicole’s Ter?"

Ken and Alicia have WTF looks on their faces trying to figure out if this is good or bad. Well, it’s bad; very bad.

Statistical improbability aside, blind dates end badly for me. There always seems to be something amiss. Something no one knew until "she" says something in front of everyone; "I’m three months pregnant" in one case. "My probation officer is sitting at the bar" in another case. One was married, one had the nerve to show up with a huge festering chancre sore on her mouth (I guess that one actually started badly), and yet another literally was a schizophrenic that forgot to take her meds and ended up destroying half the bar and being carted off handcuffed and shackled in an ambulance.

Either way you twist or turn it, whether I am in the market to date at this time or not; it is probably not a good idea to date your ex’s sister. It’s a potential bag of worms that I would much rather not deal with. Things are "pre"complicated, histories too familiar, biases; and there are the ‘in current relationship’ questions about the ex.

Now ladies, you know you ask these questions. Sometimes overt in nature and other times they are subtle feelers as to how things are going to pan out and what went wrong - but you ask! Guys don’t, this is one area that we are comfortable making assumptions and leaving good enough alone. Maybe we don’t want to know how hard you were previously bounced of the headboard or if we hold the record setting orgasms in one night - until you tell us we broke it; then we pound our chests like primates and strut like peacocks for the next two weeks. The bottom line here is that women ask and when they ask in overt fashion it is stuff like "Am I the best you have ever had?" I understand that it is being asked because if they are not they want to be and they want to know how better to please - that is fine but I know the question is coming and in this case it could present a problem.

Imagine if you would, that question being asked at that crucial post-coital moment. "Terry, am I the best you have ever been with?"

"Well, I would really like it if you fondled me afterward like your sister did."

You simply do not date your ex’s sister.

-T