Moron of the Month

DUNDEE, IL—Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us.
And that miracle was more or less what Dundee resident Herb Fosbeck received this past Christmas, when the 38-year-old survived a near-fatal session of oxygen-deprived masturbation.

"The doctors told me I'm lucky to be alive," said Fosbeck, who almost suffocated to death after tying a belt to the base of his showerhead, wrapping the leather strap around his throat, and cutting off his body's circulation in order to heighten climax.

Added Fosbeck, "Somebody up there must sort of like me."
(From a real article)

OK, you fucking idiot of a tool. No one likes you; you were to stupid to qualify for admission "up there". (Another example of what happens when mommies breast feed their babies until they're 12)!

Asphyxiating yourself for heighten autoerotic climax? A person would have to masturbate a great deal to get so bored with it that they go to such extreme measures to get a better nutt. Here's an idea - take a weak off; your hand may actually feel like that of some one else!
This is rich; the best line EVEEERRRR!

"I remember putting the belt around my neck, and I guess I must have gotten pretty excited and started moving around too much, because the next thing I knew I was strangling to death,"

You have got to be kidding me! Please say it just isn't so! He got pretty excited alright. His oxygen starved brain releasing "oh dear God" chemicals as he dangled there pounding away on his chubby little Mr Happy. That is definitely something to get excited about; dying! The dying process for an otherwise healthy adult male (his given mental and emotional issues aside) tends to make one squirm a bit. What he thinks was excitement was the fright or flight reflex; his subconscious refusing to succumb to such and unnatural and untimely, premature and obviously anti-climatic demise.

Any aspiring writer sees a story (or a book in this case) of inspiration in even the darkest aspects of the human condition and even more inspiration in the saddest aspects of the human condition. And our Moron of Month provides such inspiration.

"Autoerotic Pleasure for Dummies - A lonely adult users guide to safe self pleasurement"

Masturbation in and of itself is not a bad thing. "Everyone does it" but few take it to such alarming extremes. Granted, his life was spared. The After World is over joyed not having to accept yet another idiot into their fold and we are stuck with our first Moron of the Month for 2009 for a little bit longer! (A strong candidate for Moron of the Year; this one will be hard to top but our less cerebrally folded acquaintances have 11 shots at besting him).

If you see Herb Fosbeck, slap him. He's stupid.

-T