Moron of the Month

This has been sitting in draft form for the better part of ten days until I got one too many hate mails last night for being late with Moron of the Month.

Enter "Murray". If you are from the north; that’s Murrie. If you are from the Kountray-fied south; that’s Murrauh. If you are from Boston; well you are pretty much assed out because there are too many R’s in his name for you to even begin to pronounce.

Either way one chooses to pronounce it (or not for my Bostonian readers), "tool" is always acceptable.

Murray’s story comes by way of a friend in the Southern AZ region. He got to meet Murray as he was rushed into the ER of a local hospital.

Murray just is not that smart of a guy. Not a bad guy, just that he is not a smart guy either. We all know the type. The guys that get themselves into "situations" because they do stupid things; it’s not that they really get into "trouble". We all have friends like that.

(Duke Farley from "Hot Butter Beans" fame was like that. In fact, it was how I got to know him. In Kindergarten Duke got bored and stuck his head through the back supports of his chair. Now I watched him do this. He diligently worked for what had to be a half hour trying to squeeze his fat ass head through that tiny little slot on the back of the chair between the two wood slats. As always determination pays, and his head popped through there just like he was being born all over. And much like Ms Farley would have reacted, the chair was having nothing to do with him going back the direction from which he came and thus, he and that chair were stuck like two Chihuahuas in heat. All that pushing made his ears swell. It was like a safety lock on a door. He was going nowhere and the chair remained on his head for four and half hours - the best first day of Kindergarten ever).

Not that Duke was bad, it is just that he would find himself in situations that could have easily been prevented.

Mr. Murray was of much the same. His grandfather detested the fact that Murray was so stupid and would demand that his mother send him down to his remote ranch to help with some work "to toughen the lad up and make him grow some common sense with his balls." (The irony in that comment will soon make sense).

Murray’s grandfather is himself a hot mess. Old school in every sense of the word, he believes that America is America and one should not enter without appropriate approval. Complicating this issue, Ol’ GrandPa Murray’s ranch is waaaaay down south in AZ and pretty much sits on the border of Mexico. His Devine idea was to put an electric fence around his property to "shock the piss" out of any would be trespassers. He had the fence installed and got a kick out of the occasional BUZZZZ POP in the wee morning hours.

Re-enter Murray our tool in question. Murray arrived one early morning to help Ol’ GandPa Murray around the ranch. On his chore list was the electric fence. With the size of the ranch in mind Murray grabs some beer and jumps on the AVT and off he goes to first tend to the animals before heading out to the fence.

This global warming winter we had our fair share of snow in AZ and on this fateful morning snow covered the ground as Murray blazed his way out to the fence. Five beers later Murray arrives. With nature calling he begins to wonder if the fence has been turned off.

[There is a little trick to electric fences when there is snow on the ground. If the snow line stops at the fence; it’s on. If the snow runs through the fence; it (could be) off. Checking the switch and LOCKING IT TO THE OFF POSITION WHILE YOU TAKE THE KEY WITH YOU IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA. Unless you name is murray anyway.]

Our inebriated Murray decided to kill two birds with one stone and arched a golden flow of very temporary relief on the fence. BUZZZZ POP! and Murray made instant raisins out of his tater tots. I know as guys we can cut the flow of the golden stream in times of dire need but no man can cut the flow faster than that blue bolt was racing towards his soon to be prosthetic tool of a tool. The shock of the shock; not the shock itself but the shock of what got shocked sent Murray into shock. He lay in a penis smoldering heap awaiting rescue by Ol’ GrandPa Murray - who decided to drench the smoldering, shriveled appendage with nice cold beer. Our Murray was now wide and awake and screaming bloody murder. To silince the lad (And I guess to toughen him up a bit) Ol' GrandPa gives his raisins a nice hardy kick. (Good looking out pops)!

To the ER they go and greeted by the person who submitted the story an ER physician I have known for a few years. Doc Croc had never seen anything like this. Confused, he asked the obvious and got the answer he least expected. "My whiz grand son checked to see if the electric fence was on by taking a whiz on it. He started screaming so I gave him a good swift boot to the balls. If he wants to scream like a girl I could at least try to make the lad one." To which Doc Croc laughed so uncontrollably that he had to have another doc fill in for him.

What did we learn from Murray’s plight? Nothing at all. People do stupid things at stupid times, all with varying degrees of failure, but only one can be selected as Moron of the Month!

Congratulations Murray!

BUZZZZ POP!

-T