Why I Am Single

What is so bad about being single? Is it that you "have" to be in a relationship to be happy? Or is it that people are so far removed from themselves and who they are that being in repeated and failing relationships is more of a coping mechanism than anything else?

And of course the question of the week seem to be "Why are you single?" A fair question and not one I will not shy away from.

It is simple. I came out of a long term relationship some time ago and used the time following the relationship to find myself and learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. It seems to be a hurdle most these days can not conquer because everyone is so accustomed to instant gratification.

In that time I saw something in myself that I simply did not like. I was caught selecting the same variations in women and ending the relationships with the same results. That had to change and that was my fault and my fault alone. It was not about "what she did" it was about why I selected her and if the reasons for me selecting her were actually healthy for me. That is not something easily accomplished. It seems old habits truly do die hard and attraction is visceral. It grabs you like a fiend grabs a crack pipe. It is hard to say "no" sometimes; especially to something your mind has already told you that you want. Once the cycle is broken it becomes easier but breaking the cycle is a bitch.

Nothing worse than being out, having a few drinks and seeing "her". Looking the way you like her to look, talking they way you like her to talk and being receptive to you! Nothing worse!!! What’s a guy to do? Remember where it gets you is what’s best to do. Granted, it could be a good few weeks but in the end you are where you started, and that is the best way to watch the progression of life pass you by. And that was the key for me. Life to me is about progression. There is simply nothing I find fulfilling in aspects of life that are stagnant. It is where I found my motivation to get that monkey off my back.

I saw that in myself and decided that I wanted better for me. It became more important for me to make me happy than seek happiness in the hands of woman.

Good relationships are great but bad relationships destroy the best features a person has to offer. Not being in a relationship immediately following my break up allowed me the chance to discover who I am for me; not build what I am supposed to be for another. Only through sustaining independence can you truly achieve healthy interdependence; and after all, that is what a relationship is supposed to be right? Strong on your own, strong together.

The reality is that when you look at a great many relationships today you can see where the two are stronger as individuals than they are as a duo. Why weaken yourself to be in a relationship? It makes little sense that we sacrifice so much for so little in the name of companionship.

So many that I have been talking to here in the recent past have had the same problems and continue down the same road. They cycle through relationships thinking the next will end better than the previous; only to fall into the same trap and same results.

The guys blame the girls, the girls blame the guys and no one is blaming the man in the mirror. Let’s face it, your selection in partner is your fault; the other doing what he or she does is secondary to that. Own it for what it is. Seldom is it where that person just "ups and changes". Warning signs were ever present, ignored and looked past and we end up settling. The results are obvious and we sit back and say "But she did this" or "He did that". They very well may have but that person was selected while the whole time knowing what they were capable of. Of course if a person’s potential is unknown the discovery period in the relationship was flawed.

And after all; "maybe he (actually) is not that into you" and maybe you will simply take what you can get because you fail to understand that looking in the mirror tells tales we may not otherwise want to hear but have to face in order to proceed.

If a person is not in grasps with who they are as an individual; what do they really have to offer another? Not a damn thing! They offer a lie and most adults respond passively to lies. The phone calls get ignored, dates missed; you know the drill.

As guys we want to know exactly what we are getting. We may not notice that you just got your hair done. We may give you a blank stare when you get bossy. But we know when we have been lied to and we know when a product was over sold and under delivered. How that is handled is subjective but personally I will issue a pink slip on the spot with few kind words and no regrets. This very issue is why I left my ex. Not that she was a bad person but she did not know herself well enough to be in a relationship. She pawned it like she knew but in the end I was progressing in life and she was searching for self. A very incompatible combination for some one like me.

In the end I choose to be single, not because I want to be free but because so many I run into have never taken time to identify who they truly are. Most that come at me are coming out of another relationship. The kiss of death when it comes to me because I know exactly what that means - I am the tool to forgo loneliness. Been there, done that and never with good results.

What I look for today is completely different from what I looked for in the past. I look into the person, not at the person. The conversations are as casual as they are deep and I know what I am dealing with in terms how well self actualized the person is. They are few and far between. Granted, it narrows the playing field down but I now refuse to settle because I am ok with being alone and I do not need "her" to make me happy.

The bottom line; if you are stuck in yesterday and today your tomorrow is futile.

-T