I can't

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend last night. She is trying to deal with a family crisis and called me for a little bit of support. While talking to her I could not help but notice how many times see said "I can’t". At first I let the words ease there way by my growingly frustrated mind. But in time I found myself beginning to wander in thought, away from her problem and onto her. I started to wonder if the use of this self limiting contraction in junction with the most over used personal pronoun was the root of her other problems in life and only limiting her ability to deal with the matter at hand.

At a time when I was supposed to be sensitive; I knew I was about to be an ass. Trying to choke it down, bite my tongue and even at times hitting myself gave yield to words of truth laced with sarcasm at an awkward time.

"What are you going to do? Fall apart at the joints? Spontaneously combust? Tap your heels three times and be somewhere else?" I found myself asking these questions in an irritated tone. She had grown quiet, but having known Kelley my whole life I knew the quiet would not last long - and it didn’t.

"You’re a fuckin asshole! I don’t know why I even called you Terry!" (I could not help by laugh to myself because she was right, trying not to be an ass failed, but she needed to hear this - poor timing or not). So we talked about her constantly telling me what she "can’t" do and how that negative self belief is self limiting and probably had a lot to do with her not being where she wanted to be in life as soon as she wanted to be there and how it was hindering her ability to cope with what was happening.

I can’t does not so much mean a person can not; more often it means they simply do not want to. They phrase it as "I can’t" and consequently don't!

To defend her word usage she brought up my failed skiing trips! (Oddly, they came up twice yesterday). She made reference to how I can’t ski, and she is right; I can’t. The difference is that I actually believe I can. It is only when I am falling (or about to) that I realize I can’t! In fact, having finalized the Bridgeport project yesterday, the first thing I did was go to the schedule so I could use some of the freed up time on that trip to avenge my losses and try and at least get on the score board - if not even the score. (If that does not make sense to you; read here). The way I see it I am getting better. Surgery the first time, just sore the second - third time is a charm! Her retort to this was simply how she and I are different and how people are different; moreover how people have not found the determination (hard headedness) that I have.

I beg to disagree. People are actually uniquely similar. We all have the same inherent traits, it is just the accentuated traits that are most often revealed. The most submissive person has a tendency to get really pissed if the right buttons are pushed and the meanest, most cantankerous old lady turns sweet when she sees a baby smile. The traits are there, we pick and choose which ones we want to tap into and master - but we all have them in us.

When you say "I can’t", do you really mean it? Is it that you can not or just don’t want to. When you say "I can’t", do you immediately find yourself justifying and rationalizing why you can not instead of why you can? Self doubt is evil and self destructive and spans far beyond the limiting factors it is typically associated with.

A small child getting frustrated with their inability to do something is not left to fail by their parents. Instead, they help them through it and in doing so they build both skills and confidence. As adults we tend to lose that self nurturing aspect and walk away from what we perceive to be outside of our own realm of capabilities. Each time we do that we fail ourselves miserably because we fail to grow and develop. The next time you find yourself saying "I can’t", treat yourself like a three year old trying tie a shoe and nurture yourself through what you once could not do. The results will amaze you! What you can’t do is jump over a 13 story building without assistance. What you can do is anything that you have previously failed to do it the past but now set your mind to do!

Life to me is all about the hair of the dog. When you stand up, dust yourself off and you have its foul taste in your mouth; you immediately turn and bite that bitch right back!

-T