Every week as I sit in the barber shop I pick up an Ebony Magazine. Old or new, I grab one blindly and flip straight to the For Brothers Only column and begin reading while I wait. As of late I have noticed something, the articles have become more of a need to do better and less uplifting. One of the more recent articles I have read was from a man for whom I have profound respect. He opted to write how Black men need to treat their 'baby-mamas' (a term that makes my skin crawl!) better.
First things first. If you have a child with a person, there is but one way you should treat them – good. And that should be done out of respect for yourself, the partner and the child(ren). I will give him that – less the use of the (now mainstream) term 'baby-mama'.
What the hell is a baby-mama anyway? The term sounds more fitting for a pseudo thugged out, 16 year old, lesbian, wanna be rap star than it does a single Black woman with a child. We degrade ourselves (and each other) each and every time we use this phrase. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent so why tag it with such a negative connotation?
I think the problem may lie in what a baby-mama actually is so please allow me to elaborate on what 'it' is. A baby-mama is Janet.
Janet is a single (b)lack female who has all the potential in the world, just too lazy and too filled with self doubt to use it. Janet (her name changed to protect her humiliation – how ever slight it may be) has this habit of meeting guys, immediately sleeping with them and wondering why she always feels bad about herself. You see; Janet is a much loved person who has pushed those true to her and good to her away because she feels like everyone around her owes her something. She is one of those people that have to be number one on everyone's list or she treats them like they have done something ill to her. Janet is now a single mother with a beautiful son. This past year she has fallen under a great amount of stress. Why?
Early last year Janet found out she was pregnant. A good reason for any young Black woman in her early 20's to become stressed about in and of itself. Compounding her stress is the fact she is not 100% certain who the father ('baby-daddy' in this case) is. She acknowledged that there were two military guys she was with within 3 or 4 weeks of each other and the OB doctor was questioning her conception date based on her given history. Neither of the military guys was in the area to stay; one was there for training and the other – just simply passing through on TDY orders. (He was married by the way). This situation impacted her in a way that caused her to affiliate with people who are just not healthy for her. (Her now best friend cheats on her husband at every opportunity she gets). The good friends she had were pushed away and her scope of positive influences waned. The truth of her situation was even worse. The two guys in three to four weeks were actually three guys in three or four days. Janet (again, name slightly altered to protect the not so innocent) is a baby-mama.
Why then would we so willingly adopt a phrase of such contempt for good, beautiful and strong Black women solely because they are single mothers? Reserve its use for the Janet's of the world. As teeming as they may seem to be, they are not the majority. The mother or father of your child is just that – and deserves the respect of appropriate title. If you have a son or daughter you do not know about or you do not know the identity of the father of your child(ren), then you have or are a baby-daddy or baby-mama.
Promiscuous lifestyles beget social dysfunction. Baby-mama and baby-daddy are terms that are indicative of the decline in our moral and social values. Janet and her counter parts (both female and male alike) are representations of an over popularized segment of social dysfunction, who happen to be Black. This populous, with its unyielding need for attention, it's self centered focus and desire for instant gratification with as little effort as possible deserve little in return. They drain the good both socially and economically.
When I look Janet, what I see is disappointment because she represents what so many want the perception of Black people to be. The reality of what we are as a race and as people is far beyond what she has proven herself capable being. It saddens me that a sub-culture such as this is allowed to proliferate and disgusts me because she is Black I feel compelled to render aide. Her son, born to her hoish ways is who stands to suffer as she further alienates positive influences and healthy support systems. Unfortunately, the ability to breed is solely biologically based and has no correlation with a person's ability to act responsibly.
When you use the term baby-mama, this is what you are saying. Do you really mean it? The phrase has gained so much popularity, it has been made in to a movie; a white comedy satire. Go figure.
-T
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