Let it go

What a weekend!

Since I was in Texas it would be wrong to not support my boy Rocky since he was fighting in Houston. A great fight too! Give Rocky props!! I had to get back to Dallas because I was cutting it close on my flight back to AZ. No after fight party and no standing around talking to everyone, just back on the road and straight to the plane.

Texas for some reason lowers the speed limit on the highways at night and the state troopers go out of their way to enforce it. With that in mind a coffee shop stop is in order. (Long slow rides without coffee are like watching mold grow on stale bread - just mind numbingly boring).
I find a little dive coffee shop and see a familiar face as soon as I walk in.
"You are not going to the after party (she had obviously seen me at the fight)? You always go to the after party. Or are you going out to cheat on some one?"

Yep, just like that. It was an ex.
That one ex I had actually forgotten about. That one ex I had not maintained a good relationship with after we broke up. And understandingly why. You see, she’s a bitch. It is seldom I say that but it is fitting and just as I introduce myself as an ass; she introduces herself as a bitch so I am not exactly calling her out of her name.

There was reason for the comment though. Back in my drinking and driving days (college) my friends and I had gone out to a party. The party go out of hand and I decided it was time to go and rounded up my boys. The night was young and leaving the party by no means meant going home; just not going to jail. In the front yard were some coeds from NYU who were also leaving but still interested in partying. COOL!

A quick stop for some liquor and beer and they are following us to my place. In the car "EEK" is getting all excited and starts demanding condoms KNOWING he is going to get a little action. Laughter at EEK turns into condoms being thrown at him to shut him up. Opened condoms, closed condoms, you name it, they were throwing it. The subsequent party at my little run down studio apartment was a lot of fun but not the orgy EEK was hoping for. The relationship between Columbia and NYU was; well, interesting. There always seems to be more investigating the other school than anything else. And these young ladies, were; well, young ladies.

About a week or so later (and the timing could not have been worse) I am out with my girl and she asks about the party. [Left early, NYU, my place... blah, blah, blah]. No more than twenty minutes after that conversation one of the NYU girls from the party walks into the bookstore and jumps into conversation about how much fun the party was and tells me they all want to come bak out to do it again. My girl was not right with me at the time but was definitely within earshot of the conversation and comes rushing over only to make a scene and run little miss NYU off.

My temper does not help and she is going home. Getting in my little beater of a car I do something I have had never noticed myself doing; I watched her put her purse on the floor board - which in turn made her watch where she was putting her purse.

And what lies there but a condom wrapper! Yeah, this was going to be good! All the explanation in the world was not going to bring her under control. I was cheating on her, the girl from the bookstore, a coworker, my neighbor, a classmate. Any good female companion I had I was instantly sleeping with. On and on all the way to her dorm.

So she goes to her room, I go to get some food and she calls me. My first instinct was to not answer (that pizza was good and be damned if I was going have her mess my meal up). But I answer. She asks where I am and she hears a female voice from the next table and her impression was that I immediately went out with some one else and had no regard for her feelings.

Click.

Ring.

Voicemail.

Ring.

Power off.

Considering my course of study and work schedule, a tumultuous relationship was something I simply did not need. My mind was made up by the time I hit the door to my apartment and called her and told her that I did not have time for her and her drama.

Click.

Bumped into her a few times at school, never answered another one of her calls and never spoke to her again - until Saturday night. Not surprisingly she is unchanged but being that after all of these years she brought it up she was in need of closure.

I got a couple of cups of coffee and sat at the table with her and her friend. Small luke warm greetings and I jump right into it. "Damn girl, just let it go already. I did not cheat on you. Believe what you will but I didn’t. You showed me a side of you that day that I was not willing to deal with at that time. Just let it go."

Her friend rolls her eyes at me. (Big mistake).

"What? Do bitches run in packs these days? You don’t know me, don’t judge me. She told you something that was wrong and you are stupid enough to believe it. Let me guess. You are that tag along hater friend with no life of her own that goes around stirring up shit you have no business in. You get in my business again and I’ll give you all the business you could possibly imagine."

"C’mon. Let’s get out of here. I don’t need this."

I get up and leave but I could not help but wonder how people can harbor so much negativity. The whole jealousy thing I understand. That boils down to one or two things. She is either very insecure or she was actually cheating at the time. Hell, or both and that is fine because it was a different time and place - or at least it should have been. This all happened years ago and was coming up all over again. For me it has been a closed chapter; one that I had honestly and completely forgotten about until this happen chance meeting in Houston.

It is strange that people choose not to move forward in life, to allow themselves to get caught up in the things we are supposed to grow out of. I have no idea how she is doing, if she needs help with anything, if she has a family, how her career is progressing, nothing. Time passes and things change. A meeting like that; even with an ex, should be spent getting caught up. Not spent going back to the day and incident in which you parted ways.

Let the past go. It lives forever more in you in the form of learned experience. All that hate and discontentment for days past only drags you down today. Let it go so you can move forward. The past is gone, there is nothing you can do about it but make regrets right, not harbor them. If she wanted closure it was there this whole time. She could have easily looked in the mirror and said "I should not have been so unreasonable (such a bitch)." It would not have changed anything, we would have broke up regardless. Blaming a person for the wrong thing was little more than the reason that accelerated the inevitable. The fact of the matter was my school was intensifying and my work schedule was increasing, the relationship was doomed. So why fester in days past? You reconcile the past to move forward. You bring all of your past acts and deeds into balance, and move forward. None of us were angels; it is part of growing up, but too many of us spend today in yesterday’s memory and that is just unhealthy.

Today we should all be quite different than we were years ago. It is a sign on growth, development and progress.

On the road I realized that my number one reason for breaking off a relationship was because I was moving forward faster than they were. The main reason I was dumped was because I was moving forward. "Terry, you are just not the same anymore." I was told in one case. I smiled and said "I shouldn’t be, now should I?" At that time I was new to college and was shedding myself of the irresponsible kid in me so I had probably become less fun, less reckless and more sober. Her words were taken as a compliment. In about a year she would drop out of college and have a son. I bumped into her as I was going on to Columbia to begin my masters, she was working as a cashier at the King of Prussia Mall in Philly. This is exactly why you grow out of yourself from time to time. Each time you shed your old skin you begin a new life. It is odd to think that I was dumped because I was maturing and growing into a responsible adult. A person with a bright and promising future allowed it be derailed because she refused to do the same.

There simply comes a time in life that yesterday has to allowed to sink to the deepest most irretrievable depths of sea. In you today lies its knowledge, wisdom and experience, the past is worth little more than that. Just let it go.

-T