Snowy Mountain Ski Gods - 2; Terry - 0

It has been YEARS since I have tried my hand at skiing. (A failed first attempted resulted in a blown out knee and two surgeries). This time was to be different; an injury free big fat bite of the hair of the dog that once bested me.

We got stuck in Reno and as always I have an axe to grind. My last trip here ended poorly and redemption was to be mine! You see, I tried to ski here on my last visit and failed miserably. Hell, it is just skiing; how hard could it really be? It proved more difficult the first time around but I am a quick learner and all about making things right, evening the score and conquering that which I once could not.

Early going was smooth gliding (although four year olds were blowing by me in record numbers). It was all coming back; the knees, the hips. I felt like and old pro as I got on the lift. Riding up I was plotting my course back down when I noticed a nice little mogul that had TERRY written all over it. (I can never manage to leave good enough alone). I got off the lift a made a call to the guys at the bottom; my safety net in the event that I could not stop. A final warning to take it easy (one guy already broke a leg yesterday). Having none of that I hang up on Mitch, pocketed my cell phone and began vigorously digging my poles and pumping my arms to gain as much speed as I could. Thirty seconds later I realized a fatal error in my plan to avenge my previous spill. (I really can’t ski). "Houston, we have a problem." I am going WAY TOO FAST! I began to realize the obnoxious little bumps on the slope that I seemed to have overlooked on the way up. They make your legs do these funny things. Things that your legs are not supposed to do. You hit these bumps and your feet suddenly want to shoot straight up into chest. Fighting to keep my skis in contact with the ground I saw that old clip from Wild World Of Sport where that poor skier hurdling into the fence. I found myself fighting sheer panic and decide to "maintain my form" and try to work laterally to slow down. Slowly I begin to turn and must have hit some ice because it felt like a turbo charger kicking in. "Shit, this is going to leave a mark." I figured that I could throw myself down and concede defeat to the snowy mountain ski gods or I can go out like a man. (Throw myself down it is). Out of nowhere that mogul appeared and it looked far bigger than it did from the lift. (The funny thing was, people watching this thought I turned towards the mogul on purpose and stopped to watch this very fateful jump). Before I realized it and before I could punk out and throw myself down the mogul was forcing my legs back up into my body; my natural response was push my unwilling legs back down; the result, bad. Now I was seriously airborne at a very high rate of speed. This is not going to end well; I had just became a candidate for Moron of the Month. I brought my legs back up and tucked not wanting my limbs flailing all over the place when I hit. "Good form" I was later told. Problem, I guess it not a good idea to return to earth in that same position; your body has no way to absorb the shock. My legs immediately shot backwards from under me slamming my chest into the not so soft Reno mountain side snow knocking the wind straight out of my lungs with a very audible ooof! Before I realized it, my legs went flying past my head whipping my body a complete 360 degrees over to meet that deceivingly hard snow once again. (I don’t think your back is supposed to bend in that direction). If I had the ability to breathe, I think I would have cried! Sliding down the hill I came to rest at (of all people) Mitch’s feet. He just looked down smiling and took a picture. (Classy guy that Mitch is)!

This morning my mind woke but my body did not. A knock at the door to go to breakfast went unanswered. I was stuck, too stiff to move. Helplessly laying there when I realized nature was calling in the worst way! Could it really get any worse?

Eventually I make my way down to breakfast. I took a seat by the window watching the morning skiers and realize that skiing is just not my gig. The Snowy Mountain Ski Gods 2 - Terry 0!